Friday, July 19, 2013

O-M-G, I am a MAN!

Welcome to Take Two of July’s Secret Subject Swap! This week, 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

My subject is "It's a Freaky Friday moment and you just woke up to find you've switched places with your husband. Tell me about your day"
It was submitted by:        
Here goes:

Cough, hack, snort....scratch scratch (you know what I'm scratching right?).....

Ahhhhh (stretching)...picks up phone, ahh so bright...let me turn the brightness down...

Stays on phone for a good 40 minutes, checking every social media website known to man...then I finally get out of bed to sit on the toilet for another 40 minutes and I watch tons of world star hip hop videos. Darn, my legs turn numb!

OK, shower time, but before that my 6 year old is begging me for food, so I must give him some sugary cereal to get his day started! Then I proceed to get a brand new towel out because the one I did or did not hang up yesterday is too hard to find.

Now, this is a MUST, I need to do this religiously everyday: Throw my underwear on the floor, ball up my socks and not remove any of this from the floor until my husband gets home and does it himself. OK, Back in the shower. As soon as I turn the water on my son needs to pee. Must. Not. Let. Him. See. Me. Naked. Opens door, runs in shower. My showers usually last a good hour because I scrub myself about 5 times and let the water run on my face for no good reason at all. Then when I am done with my lengthy shower and I am cleaner then a surgeons tools, I must dry every part of my body before getting out of the tub. Who cares If I get a little wet just sweating in the musty shower?! Pfft. 

Must check phone again, one hour is too long to manage without checking if a new world star hip hop video came out. Ok, now I get dressed. I either have the option of hanging my towel across the bars of the bed, or just leaving it on the bed. I think I feel like leaving it on the bed today just to piss my husband off. Then I must open every drawer in my dresser and rummage through my clothes and I cannot close the drawers..nope can't do it. Also, today I decide to leave the light off, your welcome husband. 

I am dressed and ready to go to drop my oldest son off then go to work. But not before I watch another world star hip hop video, I am telling you I am ADDICTED!

I go to work, normal work day I suppose. My friends usually call me during work and I loudly speak Spanish while I get looks from everyone at my job. They don't know I am doing business so I leave my desk a few times.

I leave work, pick up my son, he asks me 50 questions and I answer each and every one of them. I am a master at patience. 

Usually, when I get home, I stay in the basement with my kids while my husband who gets anxiety from picking up my morning mess, makes dinner and cleans and complains. He is so annoying sometimes! He knows I have to work on my music, because yes I have two jobs and I am trying so hard to provide a great life for my family, but I know that he needs me to help out with the kids for his sanity and productive cleaning and cooking life. I have no problems watching the kids, I enjoy my time with them because usually on weekends I am working my second job. My husband appreciates me and I know this because he usually offers to take the kids out on the weekends. We are a team and even though he might get annoyed about my dirty underwear and empty water bottles and glasses and my long shits and showers, I love him so and laying down at the end of the night while we laugh at the same shows and talk about the day is probably one of the best parts of being a team.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:                                 Baking In A Tornado                         Dawn’s Disaster                                       Crazy As Normal            Black Sheep Mom                                      Raising Reagan              A Working Mom’s “Whoas”                              Indian American Mom                              Patience Juice                          Home on Deranged                            Just a Little Nutty (Guest Post)                                     It’s Yummilicious

Friday, June 14, 2013

I can't pick just one!

Welcome to Take Two of June’s Secret Subject Swap! This week, us 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in our own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts! YAY!

My subject is What is the most daring thing you ever did? It was submitted by  <--LOVE HER! THE ORIGINATOR! Here goes: 

  1. Having children. Seriously this takes major cojones! It's the most difficult thing in the world and you are always learning. You never really know what you are doing and sometimes it involves blunt objects or legos on the floor. Exploding diarrhea and various trips to the ER because some parent thought it was a good idea to send their child to school with pink eye or strep throat or a stomach virus. Dangerous. 
  2. Buying a house. C'mon this has to be one of the most daring adventures in your life that you make and the most financially unstable decision ever. Something is always needs fixing and sometimes a hurricane uproots your tree and you end up shelling out your mortgage to remove it before the neighbor has a major heart attack. But then you realize the neighbors poison ivy is growing in your backyard and YES NOW I CAN COUNTER COMPLAIN! Remove that ish! (Sorry I got off track)
  3. What about roller coasters? Those are pretty frikin scary and daring. You put your trust and life into these things that can just malfunction at anytime. I usually go on all of them and 99% of the time realize I'm not so smart right before it drops on that first hill. I tug at the restraints. I look for a fast exit. I think to myself, why haven't I written a will yet? I close my eyes the while time. Get off. Scared as hell and do it again. Why do I torture myself? Bc I'm bad ass probably. 
  4. How about getting in a car? That's pretty scary and daring. Don't look at my DMV record either, you might feel like you shouldn't be in a car with me anymore. 
  5. I've tried marijuana, that's not daring, it's therapeutic and fattening. 
  6. Relationships are also pretty daring but let's not go there right now. 
  7. I've not come home during high school, pretty daring and stupid, ask my mom. 
 So ask you can see I might seem pretty boring but I wasn't always this way. I had children and calmed the hell down!!!!!! Also, the things I've done in the past can't be put out in public. We all have those moments amiright?

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:                                 Baking In A Tornado                    Searching for Sanity                    Black Sheep Mom                       Outsmarted Mommy                              Indian American Mom                     Daily Dose of Damn              A Working Mom's "Whoas"                         Dawn’s Disaster                         Akashic Aisles: The Basement View                  The Pursuit of Normal                                 Home on Deranged
http://              Evil Joy Speaks


Friday, June 7, 2013

Bumps in the road

I find myself just confused. I wish I knew the meaning of life, I wish I knew if there was a God, I wish I just knew why there has to be so many bumps in the road. Since we were young we were always told life isn't fair. When will it be? Will there ever be a period of normalcy. A time in my life/your life where things just go right for once? Death, injuries, natural disasters, breakups, job loss, birth, etc. It seems like something is always going on and when it's not and you kind of feel normal for a while, life has a way of slapping you in the face. Now maybe life hits you with great, awesome things, but you don't get to enjoy them for long because you end up hitting that bump in the road. Stay strong! That's what everyone tells you. But can we be weak for a moment? Can we be human? Can we cry and scream and curse life and God?  Can someone tell us what's the point of all these bumps in the road? WHY WHY WHY? Today I don't feel so happy and I probably won't for a while. My posts might go from funny to depressing. And that's real life. I won't pretend to put on a show to mask my feelings because I've tried and it doesn't work. I can't even imagine what it's like to have worse things happen in life but right now this bump might be one of the hardest ones I've ever hit. To know that you had things mapped out and the mapped just got shred to pieces. To live a dream that ended up being a nightmare. To be loved and find out you were never loved or worth of it from the person you wanted most. To have regrets, blame yourself, blame the other person, trying to retrace every step to see where you went wrong. Guess those things are a normal part of life when a relationship ends. But, I don't want to go through this. I want to wake up everyday and hope that this is a cruel sick joke. I want everything that was to be different how I saw in my dreams. But it won't. And time can never go back. I don't think we choose our paths and destiny because there's always gonna be that bump in the road that throws your world into the scariest place to live. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Daily Mantra

 I haven't had many ideas lately and I didn't want to bore you with the same ol' my toddler is crazy, my 6 year old is really 21 years old and why do the clothes end up right on the floor NEXT to the hamper instead of in it, type of posts.

The other night, I was watching an episode of the best/worst show ever, WIFE SWAP. I mean lets be honest, this show makes me feel like the best wife/mother ever and my house suddenly feels clean and like I actually have some sanity left.

So...This lady made money off of selling her book full of self-affirmations. Of course, she was a lunatic and everything that came out of her mouth sounded like an infomercial (my sister loves those). But then, I thought, hey that doesn't sound so bad. I mean, I can't manifest money (which is what she suggested) or happiness into my life, because, well, you just don't THINK and things just magically appear. Yes, you can think positive and maybe some positive things might happen. But we have to WORK and be HAPPY with ourselves so that the positivity flows nicely :)

I can, however, say things to myself (and you can to) to possibly prevent you from murdering someone, someday! I KID I KID! Anyways, here are some i thought that might help me out with some issues:

I WILL CHECK ON MY CHILDREN, I WILL CHECK ON MY CHILDREN! (this happens when they are silent and Mommy just wants 5 minutes of peace...WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE!)

I WON'T CURSE SOMEONE OUT, I WON'T CURSE SOMEONE OUT! (my job, enough said..I am pretty sure whatever your job have those days)

DON'T DELETE, DON'T DELETE, I WILL NOT DELETE! (on Facebook, we all have those "friends" or "family members" that make you want to push that shiny delete button but the daily drama prevents you from doing so....just hide them people...just hide them)

I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, YES I LOVE HIM! (now ladies, one word "men" takes a whole lot of patience and about 3 glasses of wine to deal with them. I know!!!!! As mentioned above, the clothes just magically appear next to the hamper. The glass of juice, has just enough in it so that when he leaves it laying around a nice, well-behaved toddler can swipe it right off of the coffee table onto the beige rug. They hammer a nail in the wall and their job is accomplished, while you cook and clean the half drunk cups and clothes off of the floor. They complain that women complain a lot, but one hour with the children and they are begging you for mercy. Leaving the refrigerator open, clipping their toenails and breathing. I could go on, but you feel me and you are looking at the wine right now!)

As I continue my day I am sure I can think of more mantras....Whats yours?

Friday, May 10, 2013


Welcome to Take One of May’s Secret Subject Swaps! This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and we were assigned a secret subject to interpret in our own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

My subject is:

You were given an opportunity to write a short comedic story about your life:
     What is the title? 
     What's the first 5 sentences of the story?  

It was submitted by:      

Here goes: 


I couldn't just pick one funny event in my life, there have been so many and its hard to pick just one. Of course when everything is happening to you in the moment, its not so funny. But when you look back, you laugh.....HARD! 
I can go as far back as being 3 years old and my sister spinning me around and dislocating my shoulder. I don't remember how I felt, but she often laughs about that moment! I honestly could write a whole blog about my sister's and I's eventful sibling fights. Thank God she is shorter then me now and I am super intimidating <3
My friends from elementary recently reminded me of how I ran to their door crying because biggie had died....I mean he was an icon! 
Or how about the time I wasn't feeling so well and my mom's boyfriend wanted to make me a cup of tea and it was "peppermint" flavored. Come to find out, he gave me dieter's tea and know the rest. 
There was also that moment where one morning, around my college years, I couldn't feel my arm. I called my family screaming bloody murder and made them meet me at the ER. Come to find out, my arm was asleep and just needed to wake up. Insurance is a wonderful thing. 
Apparently, I was a chicken in college. I had left some food on the floor or something and had a trail of ants leading into my room. I cried and called my mom, she came and exterminated them. I love my mom.
I also have been known to trip UP the stairs and sprain my ankle a couple of times...tripping is funny.
Let's fast forward to having children, which is just funny in itself (amiright?) 
Well, thats the conclusion. Sorry if it bored you, but I really was working on this for weeks and couldn't come up with real funny moments in my life. I am sure my friends and family can indulge you with way more. They seem to think things I do, my ER visits and my cursing children are funny as hell, so ASK THEM :)

Secret Subject Swap

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:                

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Day in the LIFE......

Ok, so my blog name speaks for itself, so I figured why not whine about my daily schedule:

5:30am - Alarm goes off, click volume button for 5 more minutes

5:40am - Ok, so I lied, clicked it twice for 10 more minutes, realize I have to get up in order not to be stuck in traffic

5:45am - Enter shower, turn it on. Toddler BUSTS out of his room, BUSTS into the bathroom, sits himself on a stool and drinks his sippy cup

6:00am - Finish showering, open curtain, clean up unrolled toilet paper courtesy of toddler

6:10am - I am dressed

6:30am - Toddler is half dressed because dressing him is like trying to catch a chicken, toddler screams and cries but finally submits to his demise of the clothes he hates (now its shorts, he hates the shorts, he says I NO LIKE IT!!!!!!, tries to pull them down, this is great, let me tell you.)

6:40am - Making my checks: his sippy cups for daycare, made sure I left lunch for the grown man a.k.a my 6 year old, make sure daddy has his keys and wallet because he is just wonderful about leaving those things ANYWHERE.................and then this happens: OH LOOK TODDLER WENT POOPY!!!!!!!!!!

6:50am - In the car - on my way to drop toddler off and to work.....any one of these events occur during the ride:
  • toddler sings, is happy and merry (happens like once a month)....
  • toddler drops his sippy cup 50 times and cries every single time, asks mommy to get it, doesn't get the concept of driving, flips out some more and throws up....
  • toddler attempts to take off every article of clothing and cannot, so he flips out and throws up.....
  • THE SUN IS IN HIS EYES!!!!!!! GOD FORBID!!!!!! you already know what happens next.....FUN FUN FUN!
7:45am - Toddler usually has no problems being dropped off after mommy looks like she's about to get all mommy dearest on him

8:00am - Got my coffee, ready to start my work day

10:00am - Ok, I finished checking out my fb, cm and all that, NOW I AM READY!

4:00pm - Picking up toddler, he doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to be put back in the car seat, he wants to run in the parking lot alone, he wants french fries, he wants daddy, he wants Angel, he wants his dropped sippy cup, he can't have any of those things.....

5:00pm - We get home, grown man is there and wants to know whats for dinner, toddler is screaming I'M HUNGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Between Dinner and Bedtime- Kids fights yell, scream, watch TV:  rinse and repeat - daddy is not fazed by this, mommy wants a xanex

8:00pm - Mommy needs a drink......throw the kids in the bath and put them to bed. Grown man comes out of room about 2 times because...well, he doesn't exactly know why, he just felt like it!

8:15pm - Mommy decided to make life easier and start graduate school online after kids go to bed.........................................................................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!

1:00am - WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MORE MILK MOMMY MORE MILK!!!!!!!!! - mommy wishes she drank because she sure does feel drunk when woken up from sleep for some freakin milk!

Various Times Throughout the Night, usually about 3 now - WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAH MY BLANKET FIX IT MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:30am - Alarm goes off...................

oh and here is a picture for good measure....please notice the toddler in his natural state:

Friday, April 5, 2013

I am the chicken master!

Ok, so lately I haven't been cooking so well. I am always in search of recipes (I totally abuse my pinterest boards) and every time I make something, it always needs more seasoning then what the recipe calls for. I still have not learned my lesson, more seasoning Crystal, your man likes his meat flavored!

Let's go back to January. I had my tonsils taken out and it was possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced. I had a good friend come over and take care of my house and the cooking and me (she is THE best!) She is one of the best cooks I have ever known, besides my momma of course. During this time, I had all intentions of watching her cook so I could learn from her, but I was on some good drugs and took advantage of sleeping as much as I could.

As you can imagine, my BF was the happiest man on earth with her food everyday. I mean, you would have thought he wanted to marry her (lol <--nervous laugh). He is always saying, why can't you cook more like (insert friends name) and I am like THEN GO LIVE WITH HER! Of course I don't mean it, but he is super serious about me learning to cook like her. With the distance between us friends, its nearly impossible for me to take a day out and learn how to cook. She cannot write recipes because she just wings it. I mean ALL OF THESE YEARS I have been following recipes and she wings it and nails it everytime? PFFFFFFT!

I finally got her on the phone and she told me what to buy, how to do it and she made me repeat back to her about 5 times, OCD ANYONE?!

I did it. I conquered a whole chicken. I served it to my BF and he says "Where did you buy this chicken OMG ITS SO GOOD". I am like :|  I MADE IT YOU JERK! The look of surprise, happiness and satisfaction came over him. I am going to make this chicken everyday and I don't care who gets sick of it. I am tired of hearing complaints from my customers! I am also tired of serving them, anyone want to come waitress at my house for me?

Pollo Al Horno (Spanish Roasted Chicken):

^^I totally jacked this picture but I swear my chicken looked like this

  • One whole chicken (I used a 4 pound chicken, if you get more pounds just increase the seasonings)
  • Limes (1 is good mmkay) 
  • Seasonings: 
    • Olive oil (about 2 tablespoons)
    • Rosemary (about 2 sticks)
    • Thyme (2 sticks)
    • Sage (about 4 leaves)
    • About 4 cloves of fresh garlic
    • Adobo - About 2 tablespoons
    • A packet of sazon con achiote looks like this below
      • You can find the adobo and sazon in the spanish section of your grocery store unless your store is racist (disclaimer: that was a joke)

How to:
  1. Take chicken out of the package or else this whole thing is gonna go to shit.
  2. I had my mom cut off the nasty parts, I am still learning, but take the guts out, cut the extra fat and icky parts of the chicken off.
  3. If you don't believe in this, close your eyes: Wash the chicken with water (in an empty sink I can't stress that enough, wear some gloves). 
  4. Cut the lime in half and squeeze it over the chicken, rub that chicken with lime, c'mon RUB IT.
  5. Rinse the chicken again, rubbing don't stop.
  6. Put all of the seasonings along with the olive oil (DO NOT PUT ANY LIME, THATS A NO NO)  in a small chopper/food processor and blend it all together to make a paste.
  7. Now, you are use to this by now, RUB THAT STUFF ALLLLLLL OVER THE CHICKEN. I mean really get aquainted with this chicken. Rub it inside and out and in everywhere possible on and in this chicken. Sprinkle some adobo inside of the chicken too.
  8. Once you have done the dirty, put the chicken in a ziplock or covered container. Let it sit for a while. I started at 2pm and didn't make dinner til 5pm. The chicken came out good. You could do it overnight or just within a couple of hours before dinner. 
  9. Before putting it in the oven (I went against my friends directions a little) I peeled a whole onion and some garlic cloves and stuffed it inside the chicken, he liked it. You can also tie your chicken up but I didn't think the chicken would be into it :/
  10. Get a roaster pan or aluminum pan is fine, you can put some olive oil, just a tad at the bottom but its not needed.
  11. Put in the oven on 375 for about an hour and a half or until a food thermometer reads 165 degrees F.
  12. Serve it with an attitude because MEN SUCK! lol I KID I KID. Seriously, this chicken is amazing!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

YAY! Welcoming myself....

Hey everyone! I figured I would give this blog thing a shot, so here I am! I can't promise this is going to be the most AMAZING blog ever, but I can promise: honesty, comedy and strange things I personally think everyone should know :) 

A little about myself:

I am a 29 (almost 30 waaahhh) year old mother of 2 handsome boys/monkeys (ages 2 & 6) and a loving yet spastic girlfriend (he needs to change that) to their daddy. 

I work full time (that's M-F dawn til dusk folks) and when I'm not guessed it, I am being....are you ready for it....A MOTHER! Yes, that's right! Mommy doesn't go out, mommy doesn't take a break because if I don't do it.....there's always a babysitter :)

What can you expect from this page:
Well I am going to complain about my children, complain about their daddy, complain about my job and complain about recipes that didn't go right. I might mix some happy shit in there, so don't worry, no depression inducing posts here! (well, maybe some!)

I hope you enjoy and share with your friends, they could be looking for someone who can relate to them like I can!