Friday, April 5, 2013

I am the chicken master!

Ok, so lately I haven't been cooking so well. I am always in search of recipes (I totally abuse my pinterest boards) and every time I make something, it always needs more seasoning then what the recipe calls for. I still have not learned my lesson, more seasoning Crystal, your man likes his meat flavored!

Let's go back to January. I had my tonsils taken out and it was possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced. I had a good friend come over and take care of my house and the cooking and me (she is THE best!) She is one of the best cooks I have ever known, besides my momma of course. During this time, I had all intentions of watching her cook so I could learn from her, but I was on some good drugs and took advantage of sleeping as much as I could.

As you can imagine, my BF was the happiest man on earth with her food everyday. I mean, you would have thought he wanted to marry her (lol <--nervous laugh). He is always saying, why can't you cook more like (insert friends name) and I am like THEN GO LIVE WITH HER! Of course I don't mean it, but he is super serious about me learning to cook like her. With the distance between us friends, its nearly impossible for me to take a day out and learn how to cook. She cannot write recipes because she just wings it. I mean ALL OF THESE YEARS I have been following recipes and she wings it and nails it everytime? PFFFFFFT!

I finally got her on the phone and she told me what to buy, how to do it and she made me repeat back to her about 5 times, OCD ANYONE?!

I did it. I conquered a whole chicken. I served it to my BF and he says "Where did you buy this chicken OMG ITS SO GOOD". I am like :|  I MADE IT YOU JERK! The look of surprise, happiness and satisfaction came over him. I am going to make this chicken everyday and I don't care who gets sick of it. I am tired of hearing complaints from my customers! I am also tired of serving them, anyone want to come waitress at my house for me?

Pollo Al Horno (Spanish Roasted Chicken):

^^I totally jacked this picture but I swear my chicken looked like this

  • One whole chicken (I used a 4 pound chicken, if you get more pounds just increase the seasonings)
  • Limes (1 is good mmkay) 
  • Seasonings: 
    • Olive oil (about 2 tablespoons)
    • Rosemary (about 2 sticks)
    • Thyme (2 sticks)
    • Sage (about 4 leaves)
    • About 4 cloves of fresh garlic
    • Adobo - About 2 tablespoons
    • A packet of sazon con achiote looks like this below
      • You can find the adobo and sazon in the spanish section of your grocery store unless your store is racist (disclaimer: that was a joke)

How to:
  1. Take chicken out of the package or else this whole thing is gonna go to shit.
  2. I had my mom cut off the nasty parts, I am still learning, but take the guts out, cut the extra fat and icky parts of the chicken off.
  3. If you don't believe in this, close your eyes: Wash the chicken with water (in an empty sink I can't stress that enough, wear some gloves). 
  4. Cut the lime in half and squeeze it over the chicken, rub that chicken with lime, c'mon RUB IT.
  5. Rinse the chicken again, rubbing don't stop.
  6. Put all of the seasonings along with the olive oil (DO NOT PUT ANY LIME, THATS A NO NO)  in a small chopper/food processor and blend it all together to make a paste.
  7. Now, you are use to this by now, RUB THAT STUFF ALLLLLLL OVER THE CHICKEN. I mean really get aquainted with this chicken. Rub it inside and out and in everywhere possible on and in this chicken. Sprinkle some adobo inside of the chicken too.
  8. Once you have done the dirty, put the chicken in a ziplock or covered container. Let it sit for a while. I started at 2pm and didn't make dinner til 5pm. The chicken came out good. You could do it overnight or just within a couple of hours before dinner. 
  9. Before putting it in the oven (I went against my friends directions a little) I peeled a whole onion and some garlic cloves and stuffed it inside the chicken, he liked it. You can also tie your chicken up but I didn't think the chicken would be into it :/
  10. Get a roaster pan or aluminum pan is fine, you can put some olive oil, just a tad at the bottom but its not needed.
  11. Put in the oven on 375 for about an hour and a half or until a food thermometer reads 165 degrees F.
  12. Serve it with an attitude because MEN SUCK! lol I KID I KID. Seriously, this chicken is amazing!


  1. "You can find the adobo and sazon in the spanish section of your grocery store unless your store is racist (disclaimer: that was a joke)"

    OR unless you live in Canada.. *sobs*
    Looks so yummyyyyyyy <3

    1. awww well I will bring plenty when i come visit :)

  2. Lmbo first of all. And thank you for this. Nugget loves it but I can never get it. Ummm I don't have a mini food processor any alter? Now show me rice l I'll the world would be a better place

    1. LOL you are welcome :)
      You can just chop everything up real tiny Sutarshia! Then put it in a cup or bowl, add the olive oil and mix it all together!
      I am still trying to perfect rice, because I feel like that should have EXACT measurements. I will post that one day!

  3. Hey, Karen from Baking in a Tornado sent me over. Your recipe was hilarious. I bet it was delicious, too! I get nervous about all those bits inside the chicken..probably why I still make chicken nuggets. Kind of the same thing, right? ;)

    1. Thank you so much for coming on over I appreciate it! I get nervous too lol I rarely buy whole chickens. Chicken nuggets are fine! Lol

  4. I love your voice and your style. I've laughed at posts before, but rarely at a recipe. Welcome to the blogosphere.

    1. Thank you so much! I'm happy you enjoyed it :)

  5. You made love to that chicken...that why he tasted so good!!! You rubbed him to death!! LOL LOL This was hilarious! I agree with the above comment. I have NEVER laughed at a recipe...this takes the cake! and hell yeah serve it with an attitude!!! LOL

    1. lol that chicken and me were real good friends ;) attitude is always there when i serve bc theres always a complaint! lol


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